Cogitatione

Though I have denied it with such conviction as to convince you, I know I cannot lie to myself.
I love you.
I love you in all the ways in which a person can be loved.
I know you have denied my love permission into your heart. You have defined me in your own words what I mean to you and you have told me that I should not aspire to be anything more than that.
To you I am just a friend.
I know also that I have not the wiles to bend your decisions to aim towards my wishes, but still I try.
Why?
You fault me and I fault myself.
But what confusion you have installed in me!
You retreat whenever I attempt to get closer, and yet, when you try to touch me with such tender emotion through words meant to weaken I withdraw, automatically, never purposefully. And though I crave it, I fear your touch.
I know it doesn’t make for easy understanding, but it is how I feel, and I write it now as it is in my mind.
You know fully well my words cannot accommodate dishonesty when I am in your presence, and yet, despite my attempts, my lies are as translucent as my tears.
And you have granted me the capacity to fear.
I am still afraid of you. I am afraid, as always, of losing you.
Can you understand?
You are my bane and my blessing.
I am the bearer of your confidences.
You divulge secrets to me through requests so bold they shame me. You reveal to me things which you would never dare tell another.
But if I mean this much to you as for you to trust me so completely, then why do I remain a victim of your scrutiny and that stinging doubt I find so harsh?
Do these tears I shed when secreted away from you hold any worth for you?
Can you see my pain? I see yours because you want me to see it, but I do not want you to see mine. And yet, I suppose you do.
Do you now expect that I speak fluently of my feelings for you?
No.
That I refuse to do.
I trust you, yes, but not enough to burden you with the full knowledge of my deplorable emotions. Though I am vulnerable, I am strong. I have at least the strength to deny you this.
I confess: I hate you and I love you. Though never at the same time. It is always one or the other, and when one is, it is always at its extreme.
Why do you have to have to much goddamn charm? You put it to evil uses, such as smoothening my harsh words that are so reasonably justified by your actions.
My hard feelings for you are always softened when you smile.
You know this seeming wall I place between us is nothing more than a gossamer curtain, one which you can pull aside so easily…
If only you would try.
But, despite the many notions I know you accept of me, I must express that I feel no carnal desire for you, for that shallow I am not. This you should know by now. Please, do not invite this as an insult, for it is not meant to be such.
My investment in you is one purely of love: the love of your spirit, your shining essence, your most beautiful soul…
Do you believe me?
The truth I cannot help but exude. Know this always.

Truly,
Frans

Too long a sacrifice
Can make a stone of the heart.

~W.B. Yeats~

Poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings: it takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquillity.

~William Wordsworth~

I turn away,
Still your words follow my ears.
I close my eyes,
Still flow the tears.

~Frans Hattingh~

Countless shards of shattered glass litter the ground at my feet.
Diamonds of the gutter.

~Frans Hattingh~

I will be updating my LJ as soon as I find something interesting to post.
Patience, Cry!

Enola Reverof

Well, at least my “vacation” had a pleasant outcome: My brother and I have become closer – a LOT closer.
He’s definitely not the person I once knew, the person who practically rejected me when I came out. And although LeeAnne told me what exactly spurred him to begin a relationship with me, I appreciate it none the less. Johann now understands that homosexuality is inherent trait, and one not alterable in any way.
I told him about my fears, my dreams, informed him of my new interests, and we even had a few very deep conversations, ‘cause I’m quite the philosopher, don’t cha know. *chuckles* In a nutshell we both broadened each others’ knowledge quite considerably. Actually, I never really knew I was such a Tolkien “expert” until I began telling him about Morgoth, Valinor and the basic story of The Silmarillion. Heehee! Finished The Battle for Middle-earth II in about five days of irregular playing, during which I explained even more to Johann about the history of Endor. I wonder if The Rise of the Witch-King (a.k.a. The Battle for Middle-earth II expansion) will be released in SA? Hmm…
And to top it all, Brenda – my beloved five-year-old niece – and I have also become closer. She wanted me to sing Poor Unfortunate Souls from Disney’s The Little Mermaid consecutively many, many, MANY times and begged me to speak like Gollum whenever the subject of The Lord of the Rings came up. And, yes, I have the ability to speak EXACTLY like Andy Serkis in that regard. It’s definitely cute to be able to do it, but it can become a little stupid after a while when people begin assuming you were actually the guy who did the voice for Gollum and you have correct them.
Even one of my nicknames is Frodo. *giggles*
Is it true: do I belong in Middle-earth?

Frans

Amos has just released his brand spanking new album, "Supply and Demand"!
I'm gonna rush out an buy it as soon as I can!
*runs off screaming in excitement*

Mael and Nicolas have added me as LJ friends!!!
YAY!!!

I have put the script for Species V on hold indefinitely.

Frans